“Does babies have to be born in a belley.” What you have just read was not misspelled, at least by me. My seven year old daughter typed that into the Bing search engine the other day. I discovered it shortly after she got off the computer. I sat there looking at the question for several minutes trying to think of what must be going through her brain. My daughter Jasmine and her twin brother Charlie are adopted. As I sat there I could sense the pain that must have went into that search. Jasmine has expressed that pain a lot lately to us. We took Jasmine and Charlie into our arms when they were just four days old. They were preemies and weighed about three and half pounds each. We knew then that one day these types of questions would be coming. For Jasmine the questions started early, when she was about three and a half. We have always been very open with our children about their adoption, when they have asked questions; we have always answered them to the best of our ability. I say to the best of our ability because we never met or had any contact with their biological mother and father. Ours is a closed and sealed adoption. That was the choice of the biological parents, not us. What we do know we share with them. We knew the questions would come because our children are African-American and we are white. In fact I was curious when the questions would begin. Right after we adopted them I read several books on the history of African-Americans and also books on the psychology of raising children of another race so that I would be prepared for all the stages.
What I didn’t see coming was the cluelessness and sometimes cruelty of other people. Now before I explain that statement let me say first of all that those people are in a very small minority. The vast majority of people have been openingly accepting of both the kids and our mixed race family. Charlie and Jasmine have been the recipients of tons of love and support. In fact I have been overwhelmed at times by the response of people to my kids and to us. So again what I am about to tell you is the result of a very small number of people. What I have learned though, is that a small number of people can cause a lot of damage in a small child’s life. I am amazed for instance at what people feel they have to say. When Jasmine was 3 and half she came home and informed my wife and I that she was black. Now I know that sounds like an obvious statement, because she is. The problem is that most children don’t realize their skin color until age four and when African-American children do they refer to themselves as brown, not black. So I knew she hadn’t come up with this on her own. I knew someone older had pointed that out to her so she would know that she was a different color than her parents. I knew this was my first test. I swallowed hard because what I wanted to do was ask, “Who told you that?” So that I could go track them down and hit them up side the head with a two by four. I did ask her in a very gentle manner, but she wasn’t telling. Several months later you came up to me and said, “Daddy, I’m brown.” I said, “Really.” And she said, “Yeah, and you and mommy are orange.” So for a long period of time we were the brown and orange family. We still laugh about that.
The questions increased in Kindergarten. Jasmine is a very beautiful, smart and athletic girl and so this brought a lot of jealously from three particular girls in the class. The one thing they apparently figured they had on her was that she was adopted, and they brought that up to her all the time. Finally one day she had enough and she turned around and took all three of them out. After they stopped crying they pointed out Jasmine as their attacker. Jasmine was punished as she should have been and we punished her as well at home, but when we approached the teachers about the cause behind it, nothing happened. Thankfully the next year the three girls were put into a different classroom than Jasmine and the problems have decreased.
The other day my wife was sitting in the front room with Charlie and Jasmine and a neighbor kid from down the block that is their age. In the middle of watching TV the kid turned to Jasmine and asked, “So why didn’t you stay with your real family?” My wife interrupted and told him that none of us knew why they had been given up for adoption. The damage had been done though. After I heard about it I spent some time lying in bed with Jasmine as she went to sleep that night. I talked to her again about her adoption and how much we loved her and that I was her daddy no matter what and that I would always be there for her. I know this is a subject that is on her mind a lot.
One night Jasmine said to Darla, “I bet my first mommy really misses me.” Darla told her I am sure that she does. I bet she thinks about you a lot. I have watched my wife time after time through the years defend Jasmine and Charlie’s biological mother, a woman she has never met. People will make statement to us about how they can’t understand why someone would give up their child. Darla points out to them that most mothers don’t want to give up their children, but they realize they can’t afford to raise them on their own, or that if they kept the child he or she wouldn’t be raised in a safe environment. There are many good reasons that women give up their children for adoption. What people need to realize is that adoptive children have a need to believe that their biological parents loved them. When a derogatory statement is made about a biological mother it is unsettling for the adopted child. Charlie spent three weeks in the hospital very sick when he was first born. I remember his biological mother called the hospital to check on him. I have shared that story with him and Jasmine to show them that they have always been loved.
As I sat and looked at Jasmine’s question in the engine search I thought about all these things. I wanted to go into her room and wrap her in a cocoon so that nothing else could hurt her, but I know I can’t protect her from these things. She is going to have to grow in her confidence and face these questions and deal with them. One way that Darla and I try to help her is by reminding her that we are all adopted by God. We are God’s children by faith, adopted through our baptism into Christ’s death on the cross and His resurrection from the dead. So we are all in the same boat. And it’s a good boat to be in. I put another question to the search engine tonight about adoption. As I searched through the responses I found a quote from an unknown source. It says, “Adoption means you grow in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.” I’ m going to give that Darla to share with Jasmine tonight.
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